Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
