so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
