I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
