she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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