First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
