One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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