then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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