My sheets look like a crime scene.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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