he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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