It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
