I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
