guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
