Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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