I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
