I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
