ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
