I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My hand turned me down
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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