Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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