Sry I called you an 8
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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