Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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