Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
