So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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