well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I showed him my bush... on skype.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
