You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
