apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
