She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Randomize
