You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
