Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
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