I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
