I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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