Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
