Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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