if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
