Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
There r osticjed everywhere
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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