Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
