The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
you inspire me to be a worse person
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
In other news, I just burned my penis
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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