so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
