My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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