I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
