I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
