I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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