Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
