Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
