I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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