I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
