I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
