Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have tasted many bathrooms
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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