theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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