You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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