I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
